Dear Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars,
My girlfriend is sweet, and very nice, but is never exciting... what should I do to spice this up?
-Bored in Birmingham
Dear Bored in Birhingham,
Your girlfriend sounds like a complete Mounds:
She's totally nice, has a nice sweet exterior and a mildly exotic, but bland, interior. And look, that might just be the way she is. A very boring girl, that you would probably not throw away, but you wouldn't eat her first if she was in your trick-or-treat bag.
No, you sound like the person who needs that little extra bite. You need an Almond Joy:
The difference is a slight, but makes all the difference. You want someone a little more crazy... a little more flavorful... someone who won't just sit there and stare at you when you want to get all crazy and knock over a 7-11.
Almond Joy's will help you knock over a 7-11.
So just remember, sometimes you don't just feel like a nut... sometimes it's what your heart needs. Also, Almond Joys are much better in the sack.