Friday, August 14, 2009

Two for me...

Dear Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars,

I keep going down on my girlfriend, and it's nice, but she never returns the favor... and sometimes I want to have some fun you know? I mean, I like her, but sometimes it's just so frustrating...


Selfless in Seattle

Dear Selfless,

Ahhhhh. It sounds like you got a regular ol' kit kat on your hands.

There are some people out there who seem to prefer the "Two for me, none for you" mentality that is so common in the KitKat wafer chocolate world. The best bet I've found with these girls (or guys) is to break them. Not literally like you would a kit kat, but emotionally, like you would a kit kat if it was a person. That way you can share sexual pleasure.

Hope that helps!

-Dr. L-C-B

Threeway anyday

Dear Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars,

My girlfriend wants to bring her friend over to the house to spice up things in the bedroom. I'm not sure what I want... is this natural.


Risque in Richmond

Dear Risque,

Oh-ho... you dog.

I bet you're full of nougat you tasty treat. Of course it's natural... and it melts in your mouth.

Hot for you,

Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars

Once you go Black...

Dear Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars,

Last year I slept with a black man for the first time, and ever since then every white guy I've slept with hasn't done it for me... what should I do?


Unsatisfied in Utah

Dear Unsatisfied,

I had the same thing last year when I ate a Milky Way Midnight:

I've just grown to deal with it... it's much tastier, much more filling, and leaves you satisfied. I guess it's true what they say... once you go midnight, you never go back.

Thanks for your question and best of luck!

-Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars

Dump the Mounds...

Dear Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars,

My girlfriend is sweet, and very nice, but is never exciting... what should I do to spice this up?

-Bored in Birmingham

Dear Bored in Birhingham,

Your girlfriend sounds like a complete Mounds:

She's totally nice, has a nice sweet exterior and a mildly exotic, but bland, interior. And look, that might just be the way she is. A very boring girl, that you would probably not throw away, but you wouldn't eat her first if she was in your trick-or-treat bag.

No, you sound like the person who needs that little extra bite. You need an Almond Joy:

The difference is a slight, but makes all the difference. You want someone a little more crazy... a little more flavorful... someone who won't just sit there and stare at you when you want to get all crazy and knock over a 7-11.

Almond Joy's will help you knock over a 7-11.

So just remember, sometimes you don't just feel like a nut... sometimes it's what your heart needs. Also, Almond Joys are much better in the sack.


Dr. Loves-Candy-Bars